We celebrated Thanksgiving right before Zoe turned ten months old! On this day last year, she was no more than a shadow on a sonogram, a rumbling wave in the pit of my uterus, a ray of hope during a difficult year. I can't believe that time has gone by so quickly--here she is, sitting before us and gnawing on the wrong end of a turkey leg gripped in her greasy little hands. The house is full of laughter and different languages being spoken in various accents. We're all surrounded by loving uncles, aunts, and grandparents. Cousin Maddie bounces a ball while Zoe watches in wonder before rolling over in giggles and spit bubbles. The countertop is once again filled with the usual decadent Thanksgiving dishes that the Wongs like to make. Assorted mugs cheerfully dot the dining table. In place of what used to be our coffee table and accent chairs is a sprawling foam play mat surrounded on three sides by Zoe's fortress of a baby gate. After a year of social distancing and living in the unknown, we couldn't be more grateful for this lively atmosphere.
The timing of Thanksgiving was so good this year--Zoe has reached the ripe old age of nine months (ten months tomorrow!) and she's been naturally sleeping through the night for the past five nights, napping for over an hour at a time, and eating solids foods. She also doesn't crawl yet, so she's pretty low maintenance during her awake time, too. Therefore, I actually had the time and energy to make a few things for our feast: shingled sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, cornbread, and honey whipped butter. Okay okay, I used a box mix for the cornbread and a store bought pie crust, but I finally did something in the kitchen that was more involved than washing pump parts or making oatmeal! On that note, I cannot be grateful enough to Wes for having been simultaneously the cook, the cleaner, the laundryman, the yard guy, the tech troubleshooter, the product researcher, the baby supply manager, and the family entertainer through the past year. He's been the best househusband and Daddy. We're very fortunate as a family to have everything we need and to have the means to provide for Zoe so easily. To our parents and grandparents, I am thankful because if it weren't for what they did for us when we were children, it wouldn't be this way for our daughter.
I had the week off from work today and was able to spend these precious few days just focusing on soaking in the present and what we have. Maternity leave was rough because those first few months postpartum are so hard. I tried to appreciate it as much as I could, but at times it was just hard because of how all-consuming it was for me physically and mentally. After returning to work, I've been super busy and often feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off, but I somehow have more energy to pour out to Zoe when I get home because it's like switching on a totally different part of my brain. Still, that "mom guilt" gets to me and I always find myself craving more time with her after she falls asleep for the night. So this weeklong break in my work schedule has been a great way to reconnect and sort of relive those days when I was home with Zoe 24/7. I've realized that things are so much easier now, partly because she's more mature (and allowing me to sleep!), but also partly because I have come to accept what my role is in life now without feeling sad about what I've left behind. During one of Zoe's extra long naps, I sat down and reorganized some old things that I had kept over the years--cards from friends, handwritten journals, small mementos saved from various trips, awards I had won. It was an unintentional act of self reflection that came at a good time. Through these windows into my ten-year-old and twenty-year-old self, I saw how my current mindset took shape. I never quite knew why I'd held onto all of these bits and pieces, but I'm glad that I did. A part of me also hopes to move past placing so much value on words of affirmation and tangible prizes. Admittedly, adults need a pat on the back from time to time, too, but as a mom (and a human), I am seeing that true fulfillment is attained only through how much I believe in myself to be doing a good job and not through forms of external validation.
